The day went by without a hitch, more or less. I spent quite a while crying this morning, but for once it felt good to cry alone. Well, it didn't feel good to have to cry, but you know what I mean. These past months it has been hard for me to cry. I have cried a lot, in places and in times when I didn't really want to, and it has been hard and it has been not enough and it has only come when I can't hold it back anymore. The only times it has been close to enough is when there has been someone there to comfort me, and even then it has been such torment. It has been panic. It has been fear. A fear of accepting. A fear of loss. A fear of opening up, not knowing if you'll be catched when you cant help but fall, not knowing if you'll get help to pick up the pieces (like it's always been). And now it feels like the fear of acceptance and the fear of loss is fading and left is just the loss and the hard facts, and the feelings I have about that. And then it doesn't feel so bad to cry by yourself.
Do I make sense?
It feels... I don't know. It is a different kind of sadness right now. My sadness.
I just fear what tomorrow will bring. Everything still shifts so rapidly. What I want one day contrast against what I feel the other day and vice versa and back again and I really don't know where this will end. And my feelings can really fuck me up. But I will live through that too, in one way or the other. We will live through this, if I have any say and if I can have any kind of control over myself and the situation. But the control over myself has become easier, because I don't feel like I'm fighting right now. Actually fighting, in one way.
I have to get some time of to go to Uppsala. I'm neglecting important people. People who came to me because they felt I needed them, not because I told them or asked them. If there is one good thing I have learned from this it is the fact that there actually is people out there who love me, who care about me. I actually didn't know that. Sure, I know some people like to hang out with me, but that doesn't mean that they'll actually be there for you when it is hard. I hope I can love you all back just as much as you deserve. I hope I can be there for you when you need it. I hope I won't let anyone down. I hope I know what to do and how to do it. And I am sorry, so sorry, for not having seen your pains and not having been able to help you in the past (and that goes out to multiple persons). I am so sorry. I hope I can see and appreciate what you are giving me and what you are trying to do for me.
And I hope I'll find someplace of my own to live. That would be nice.
I got to get rid of that Blasphemy-post one of these days.
Yeah. Well. I guess that is about it for today, then. Time to hit the sack.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment