Mockery By Cards

I copied this from a swedish online journal at helgon.net. I don't know if my translation is that accurate, but you'll just have to live with that.


"Monday May 1 2006:
Each day I feel like I've grown a little, or that I have returned in some way. That I more and more is my own person, that I have seen a bit more of the truth, that I dare a bit more. And each day the rest of humanity feels so far away. I don't know how to explain it but sometimes I feel like I've gone too far and I haven't understood that I have thought something crazy until I've seen other peoples reactions to it. This can be about the most basic things, like concert about your fellow man or something. OK, I sound like a psychopath, but I think that people makes "caring" and "caring about" equal. Did that make it any clearer? Nah, didn't think so. I actually don't know what I want to say more than that I don't think I have reached my destination yet. Not at all. And that scares me a bit, considering how alone I feel. But I guess that is the price you have to pay. That and the feeling of being inferior to so many intelligent people scares me. But what scares me even more is the feeling of being the only one that understands. Do any of you feel this way? I feel like I'm up in a flagpole and these two feelings (along with a lot of others) are winds that threatens to blow me of the flagpole. Sometimes I suspect that I'm going to have a psychosis but then I change my mind. Not because it would be totally improbable but because in some way it would be flattering and I have not deserved it...

I know this sounds really serious and fucked up, but I am not crazy and I am not an emotional wreck. I'm just thinking.

I think that tarot reading fucked with my head a bit. But in a good way. Pretty flattering in some ways. And truthful in others."


Fucking hell... I remember that tarot reading and in retrospect it is more of a mockery.

Fucking hell... The mistakes of my fucked up life is really like a little parade in front of me all the time. I mean, this was written almost 2 years ago! How could I NOT see how fucked up I was or was going to be?


Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. I really really hate it and despise myself right now. Weak little shit.