Ol' Blue Eyes

I had a nice evening last night. A bit strange, but nice. It left me with a kind of weird feeling, though. I know I am not a hater and I know that it is not hard to make me forgive, genuinly forgive. But at times (and especially now) those aspects of myself make me wonder how real my feelings are. Especially since it makes me happy to know that she's happy. It really does. But is that feeling in conflict with my sadness? It also makes me wonder (and this genuinly concerns me) if I let people in? The past months have shown me that I don't, but I don't want to think that the fact that I can and will forgive this is because I didn't let anyone close enough to hurt me.

On the other hand I haven't exactely gone through this emotionally unscathed, to say the least.

And it also makes me wonder about the flagellant thing... I don't know I don't know I don't know anything. Is forgiving a way to let go? Am I forgiving for my sake or for someone elses? Have I really forgiven anyone? Do I get some kind of pleasure of putting my head on the proverbial block? I think I do at times. I think it is my way of letting everything be. I'm just worried that it is a cheap way out, that it is a cowardly way out.

When I am happy (or at least not as down as I usually is/was) it feels like I don't remember my feelings. I can think back on the night when I was down on the kitchen floor crying and screaming and I don't remember what it felt like. Well, sure I remember what I felt, I just don't feel it. It feels like I'm outside looking in. It has always been like that. I have always been like that. Sometimes it makes me wonder what I am. Who I am. I don't know about that one either. I hate that I don't know myself, because it makes me feel that nobody else can know me. Truely know me. I had a talk with darling S. about that and she feels the same way about herself. It feels weird. And it feels weird that it seems that we are so alike that I wonder if we can help each other. And especially if we can do it now. The next month will be interesting, though.


So, with all this in mind it was actually something of a relief to feel all the sadness I have felt today, to be the little mess I am today. Pretty fucking weird, huh?

Today I put on a Frank Sinatra album in the store and spontaniously, to my own surprise, burst into tears when "I did it my way" came on. It reminds me of my grandmother (on my fathers side). She died some years ago and I haven't cried for her. It didn't really make any difference for me if she was alive or dead. We weren't close at all. I was actually sadder because I saw my father cry at the funeral (I can't remember ever having seen him cry, before or after) than I was at the loss of her. Anyway, she had a couple of requests for her funeral: no psalms, no religious mumbo jumbo and they had to play "I did it my way." So that song is very much her song. It really surprised me that that song had such an effect on me today. It really surprised me that as I came to think of her I realized I missed her.

These last three months have been hell, in every way imaginable. Everything in my life has changed. But weirdly enough, it feels like this is the first time in over a year that I actually feel anything. I feel human. I feel real feelings. Sure, they are awful, but I see them and I feel them and I dare to acknowledge their existance.

I talked a bit to N. about that. And about feelings. And about break ups. And about life. It seems that we both pretty much went through the same thing, although her situation was worse.


"For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels
and not the words of one who kneels"




On a related, but different note... I feel very naked. Not really physically naked, but I feel like I'm the naked emperor, sort of. Or will be. I don't know, I don't think I can explain it any better than that.

I feel so small right now.

But this to shall pass.