The New Project XI

Since we are up to 2 digits I figured I'd up the nerdiness and start using roman numerals. OK? OK. Maybe one day I'll change the old posts, but that would be revisionism and that is being chicken (although I am chicken).

I think about violence alot. To me, all power and all rights and all freedoms boils down to 2 things. Violence and power. And they are the same. The proper use of violence gives you power. Think about it: in the end all our rights and freedoms are guaranteed by the fact that we employ people (cops, soldiers, guards) that have the capability and the right to use violence against those who would trespass against us. Without the possibility to use violence against people who disrespect the use of "rights" and "freedoms" those "rights" and "freedoms" would be useless (I wrote moer about this and Thomas Hobbes some time ago. Check that out, it explains it a bit better.)

So I think about violence a lot. And I hate it. Because I don't like violence. And at the same time I love it. I think it is horrible. But there are so many people in the world that deserves something horrible done to them.

The past year I lay awake several nights every week just tensing up with rage and thinking about hurting people and just NOT BEING ABLE TO FALL ASLEEP. Because I was so angry. And in my head I did things that felt so good and that disgusts me so much. And I felt weak. Because I knew that I couldn't possibly do these things in real life. As in I don't have the physical capacity or know how, not anything else. I am perfectly on the clear that given the right circumstances I could do just about anything to another human being. I just hope that if that happens, when push comes to shove, I will choose death before dishonour. It sounds lame, but that is what it boils down to. I want to die proud. And if I die because I have done something that makes me proud, if that action is my downfall, so be it. So much the better.

I just wonder if I ever can be proud.

Anyway, violence. Other violent thinking that have been taking up my time is the idea of provocation. Of artistic provocation. Of for example the stuff that Watain does, with old rotten blood, rotten carcasses, violence, total fanaticism etc. But when I think about something like that, the very idea to play some sort of metal and do that makes me tired. It isn't the right arena. Blood, guts, violence, bile, rot... It would be considered fun, or "true" or something. It wouldn't really be considered especially shocking. It would be what is expected, although the ante might be upped a bit. I have just felt that I would, in an artistic way, go up on a stage (any kind, not necesarilly fronting a band or anything) and make people feel sick. Feel disgusted. Feel threatened. And it isn't because I hate people. It isn't because I think they are worthless and stupid. Well, yes it is. But it isn't because I want to punish them for their faults. It is because I want to show them to them. I want to raise them up. I want to provoke them into understanding and joining or acting out against what I am doing. Thought and action. I want them to reflect. I want them to feel their safe little way of looking at the world in some way, just for an hour, too feel threatened. If they'd hate me for it, it would be just as appreciated as any other reaction, as long as they react, and as long as they react intellectually.

Do you understand? I have no desire to hurt anyone in the world. Not really. I just want to shake them up and down and scream "CAN'T YOU SEE!? YOUR WORLD IS A LIE! YOUR LIFE IS A LIE! YOU ARE BETTER (and worse) THAN THIS!"

Anyways, thinking like this, seeing this in your dreams and in your thoughts... It fucks you up a bit. I guess.

Hell... I should have shared when it would have made a difference. I guess I was ashamed of myself, of my thoughts. How do you explain to someone you care about that every day you ride the subway you fantasize about how some people would look if you shot them in the head? Not because I want to kill someone, I just wondered. Because it always looks beautiful in movies and intriguing and horrible in crime scene photos. These last weeks, I have been intrigued by the possibility of shooting people through the windscreens of moving cars. Just to see what happens. Would the car stop or would the driver push the pedal to metal as soon as he saw me?

Good thing I can't play Postal on my computer.