Taken with my new phone/camera at the old folks place in the middle of the night. I look fuckin sick, don't I? Sick as in like I have disease, not in any kind of good way.
Other news? Not really. I'm racing with the devil. I feel... I don't know what. Confused? Panicky? No, not so much panic. Strange? I don't know I don't know. I feel erased, I guess. Sort of. Once again I feel like there is no place for me in the world. On top of that I feel like there is no point to me OR this world. But it is OK. It is. I'm OK. Or I will be.
I realized a couple of days ago that old defeats stay with me for a long long time. Things that defeated me in my childhood and that I now have mastered still feels so hard... I still doubt my abilities in those fields. Maybe that is why I don't like to practice at things? Because I will be defeated in the beginning, and it will be the defeats that stay with me. It would also explain my poor social history. If you don't try you don't lose.
And I am a bit peeved because my phone doesn't seem to work with anything but PC's. Fuckers. Allt of them.
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