Rip

I wrote a little something in my livejournal, and I don't really know why I wrote it there. It just came out I guess. Or something. So I figured I might publish parts of it here.



Mentally, I don't really know what is happening. I think I might finally be on the track to letting go, and in some ways that makes me even sadder. I guess that I've come to realize that I can't fight this. Or maybe I don't have the energy to fight this, to fight this fire. So I just let it burn. Burn itself out and just... I don't know. Just try to let it be. In a strange way I feel like I'm trying to settle my affairs, like I'm writing some sort of will. Have everything fixed before departure. Not just in a practical manner, but in an emotional manner (hence my behaviour 5 days ago when I gave gifts, or maybe rather some sort of peace offerings. Probably not something too common in this century. Maybe. It was an act that had more to do with me giving than anyone receiving.). I don't want to have any debts left unpaid. I guess this might sound quite depressing, but it isn't. Well, the situation is but my acts are not. For me they are an honorable way out, and I guess in some way I have to do it just to get some peace. At least that is what it feels like now. I guess that what I am trying to say is that I am trying to be something of a gentleman and a man of honour, but I might not be so honourable since (as I said) it has more to do with me doing this for myself than me doing this for anyone else. I don't know. In some ways I guess I am an emotional flagellant or something, but right now it feels right. I guess in the end it comes down to some sort of manly pride or manly ritual or something like that. Maybe it is just me. Maybe it's jut the fact that now it is just the loss , the sadness of the loss and my ways of dealing with it left. I've sort of left everything else behind. Just letting it burn, hoping that something can be salvaged from the ashes.

I get very poetic late at night, don't I? Very dramatic.


So, I am home right now. Can't relax here either. The cats are breaking my heart, but what can you expect from cats? It doesn't feel right here. I feel like a stranger. But it is not that unexpected, is it? This won't be my home soon enough. I will be a stranger to these rooms. And I guess it will be alright, some way down the line. Now it just feels heavy.

And this immense wall of problems just came tumbling down a bit. I guess I have learned to hold the worst back, but still... Sometimes I hate this town. I feel like I'm barely holding on to the world. It is not as bad as it once was, but enough to breed and feed a demon in my stomach.

The big problem is that I just feel my old problems coming back. The fear of the world, the ostrich attitude. I mean, I guess they never really leaved me, but they are becoming more dominant and I am tired.

God, I miss it when it was good. But it is as it is.

Fuck i'm blind and stupid sometimes. A fucking idiot.