The New Project 7

I hate people that are better than me. People from classes above me. Not the people I know, but generally. And the problem is in me. I feel inferior among people with education, people with the right background. Fuck, people with the "right" clothes.

I am jealous. I am. I wish I had had some ambition when I was younger, but all I wanted was to get through the day in peace. If I had, maybe I could have been arsed to do something sooner. Maybe I'd been better. Maybe the rest of my life would have taken another direction, if I still didn't have that feeling of just getting through the day with minimal amount of trouble.

I'm ashamed of my job, I am ashamed of my situation, I'm ashamed of my life. I feel like I can hardly look people in the eye. I never feel right. Never in a situation that is really mine. For example, even when I feel really good looking, really snazzy or whatever, I'm scared that I'm going to be found out. That some detail somewhere on me are going to expose me. Silly. I guess I don't have the knowhow or the confidence to really pull it off. Oh, and this isn't just when I'm trying to look objectively good, ie wearing a suit or something. I am incredibly picky even when it comes to T-shirts, denim jackets, boots and what have you. I have a love/hate relationship with my favourite denim jacket, because I keep thinking that the arms are too short and stuff like that. They must be perfect. It's just that it isn't that hard to look good at a metal gig, you know? ;)

I don't really know what I'm doing clothing wise right now. Trying to find something new, something smarter, something more me? Trying to stay out of the uniform. I'm so tired of being the same all the time. Can you stay away from that? We'll see. In the end it will at least give me more options.

I hate that class is so important in my life. I hate it hate it hate it. It's like a ball and chain around my feet.

I'm so hopefull at times. Feeling like I'm gonna pull this of. And then I leave home and go to work and everything falls. More or less. Today is not the worst of days.