Zodiac

I was born on the 12th of July. So therefore I am cancer. During the circumstances I think that is in a dark and not at all humoristic way kind of funny. Or ironic. Or something like that. A fitting play with words.

I saw something on TV the other night. Some old guy had written a letter about boys growing up to men and men becoming fathers and husbands. Maybe not the best fathers and husbands, but they did their best. That's just it. I haven't done my best. There is so much I could have done if I just had had the energy or the sight or understanding or whatever. If I just had had the guts. The backbone. We've done so much shit to each other and the only reason to it (maybe not the only, but a big reason) is that I havent been able to say when things have hurt me. So much that could have been different. If I just had had the guts to say when I was hurt. To say stop. And I got used to it. Like I always do.

And now I feel like cancer. Now I am cancer.

In a weird way I'm looking forward to leaving, just so I won't be such a cause of pain and problems, because I can't bear that. I've destroyed so much already.

In another way I still don't think I have realized that this is real yet.

With any luck I'll get some professional help in a couple of weeks.