The New Project XII

I have had a problem with people. They scare me. Or, they scared me. Especially when I've/I'd been out with someone I care about (my cats, my brother, L.), because I have felt like I might (/will) end up in a situation where I might have to protect them or stand up for them. And I don't like confrontations, especially since I know myself so good that I know that under those circumstances I am not the most balanced creature and may very well act totally wrong and will probably have misinterpreted the situation toally. And when that has happened it has always bugged me. For a long time. I have lain awake for nights in a row thinking about how I've treated a stranger just because they did some stupid shit, some stupid mistake, did something that did not deserve me trying to verbally rip them a new one. Just about everytime I've been out and about during 2007 and 2006 I have been sure that something bad was going to happen and it would be my responsibility to stand my ground, to give it back, to protect. "Never surrender, never give in, never let the enemy win" as Blitz once put it. *

So I've secluded myself. Because it has been such a horrible feeling, knowing that something will happen one of these days, knowing that I would feel even more worthless if I didn't stand my ground against the smallest trespassing against my loved ones. I hate that feeling. Constanly on my guard, constantly having the wall built high, constantly protecting myself against everything, constantly feeling like I have to, like I couldn't live with myself if I wasn't. So I made sure that I wouldn't risk being confronted with those situations unless I had to.

So I guess I built the wall against everything and everyone. Because she seeing me week, she seeing me like that... I don't know. It shouldn't be a problem, it shouldn't have been a problem. But it was.

People scared me (they still do, but I got bigger problems now). And I despised them. I despised them for being dead creatures. The thing is, I wasn't (and isn't) any better. I killed myself. I died behind those walls. I built them so high the sun couldn't reach over them. And it hurt so much I built them even higher, telling myself I could only depend on myself, I could only depend on what I wanted to be, what I built/pressed into the mold. And it made me blind. Just as the sun couldn't reach over the walls, I couldn't see over them.

I have been so incredibly angry, and afraid. And I am sorry if any of you have paid the price (I know you did). That is a part of the explanation of why I haven't gone out or anything. Why would I go out and be around people who I despised and feared solely on the basis that I felt that since they where humans they would on some level despise me and I would have to confront that? Why would I go out and spend money on things (ie alcohol) that would only make me feel worse because it would make me do something stupid (or at least something that would make me feel bad the morning after). And then trying not to drink, spending a night out with friends (good friends!) sober and waking up the next day and feeling bad. Bad, because it felt like I imposed myself on them, like I took up too much space. And beeing in places where I should have belonged on some level and only feeling that the majority around me was ignorant idiots living small small lives (not my friends, though.) and couldn't possibly relate or even respect what I was and am and that I had to fake it. And then being in other places where I didn't really belong and definitely felt despised (if I was or wasn't in reality isn't important) just because I thought/felt they really thought I was like the people I mentioned earlier. And then going other places trying something new and feeling that everyone looking at me must know that I am posing and that I am not even doing it good enough...

It just broke my heart. And in the process of trying to avoid that I broke other peoples hearts.

One of the things that make me so sad and angry is that I didn't really see it. I took it for granted. I took it as the way the world worked. It was normal, and the path I was on was maybe not the happiest but it was a path of truth and honesty and not shying away from reality. I really thought that. That the world hated me and that was the way the world worked and all I could do if I wanted to stay honest and true to myself was staring this "truth" in the eye and not shy away. The thing is, I did shy away. It changed me, I guess. I changed myself. I mutilated myself. Chopping of my sensory organs, putting out my eyes because I couldn't stare it in the eye. I had run out of energy. No pride left, or it wasn't enough any more. My back was broke.

And all the other shit like money, work and shit... I don't know. It just got to be so much, realizing that I was (and is) in a material dead end. I remember L. and me having a discussion about this going back to the old place (so this was years ago and I probably wasn't even 23) after a night of some drunkeness and I told her that I felt like my life was over. That I wouldn't (no, couldn't) move anywhere, that I was stuck and this was all there was to it, if I was lucky. That I felt wasted. And I remember her telling me that I wasn't even 25 and I had a whole lot of time to try and do something with my life, trying to cheer me up. I don't remember if she succeeded that night, but I miss that time and I miss that place and I miss that place in time. One of the places I could have broken this chain.

I don't know if I make any sense.


* and yes, I know L. doesn't need anyone to protect her. She can probably protect me better than I can protect her and I know she gets upset even if I try. It isn't about that. It is about the fact that you stand up for the ones you love no matter what, and I was afraid of the consequenses of doing that. It became so extreme, it became so much. There was so much violence and and fear and bad self esteem that I couldn't really take it. I couldn't shake it of, I couldn't shake peoples (eventual) stupidity and malice of me so I was in a spot where I would feel like evil, uncivilized shit if I did something and feel like humiliated shit if I didn't. In the end I couldn't stand up for them when it was needed of me, because I was so afraid. I eliminated the choice, so to speak. I procrastinated away a life.