The New Project 10

I remembered something horrible. Something I am terribly ashamed of.

I was at this place with two of my fuck up friends. I sort of assumed that they could behave themselves. I really thought that they could, actually. At least enough. But no. It more or less ended up with one of them insulting and the other one just short of threatening a person close to someone close to me. Someone who has never been anything but good and nice. I was so ashamed. Thinking back on it, it might have been some sort of breaking point. I couldn't talk about it as it happened and I still can't because I am so ashamed and I can't look the person in question in the eye and I wonder if I ever really can. I mean, sure, I didn't do anything wrong and I stopped it and all. But still. I guess it is a part of the problem I might have described earlier. That I don't feel good when I have done something good. I only feel bad when I haven't done enough. I don't know where that will lead. Do I have to get stabbed while trying to stand up for a stranger to feel some sense of pride?

God, I am tired of all the machismo bullshit, of all that shit, of all the roles, of all the masks, of all, of everything, of the world, of people.

And I still love them. One of the offenders are one of my best friends and I would die for him if I had to, because he would do the same for me. He is like my brother.

Anyway, it signaled in such a magnificent way that I am a part of something that doesn't know me. And that was OK when it comes to persons that I don't know that closely, because I don't care. But these are close friends of mine (or at least one of them is) and they/he thought it was OK to act like that on my turf among my friends? Fuck that.

On the other hand it clearly showed that I don't/didn't belong there either. It felt like whatever I was I was a part of a group of people that could behave like that just because someone looked in a way they didn't like. Or at least it felt like that was the way people looked at me. And it made me feel ashamed.

The very idea that people might get it into their heads that I am like that makes me ashamed. And the very idea that people might think that based on the way I look, my haircut and the music I listen to make me disgusted. So sometimes I act like offence is the best defence. And that way I make peoples assumptions true. I guess. On the other hand I think the things I think, I like the things I like etc. Should I change that? I rarely think/act/say something just to be obnoxious. Not entirely true, but mostly it is.


I don't know... I feel fucked in the head. I feel cut of in so many ways.