Lord Humungous

Talked to my mom yesterday. Called her and cried my eyes out and shit. She thinks I should "go talk to someone", ie see a shrink. And I agree. I think I should. But the thing is, right now I don't know what to talk about. Because I feel depleted in so many ways. Right now I feel empty. It's the same old sickness, I think. I don't have the language and I don't have the tools and if I don't get some counseling or whatever I wont get the language and the tools. But I don't know how to get the stuff if I can't talk about it, if I don't know what to say. That has been a large part of my problems. I don't know what to say. I don't know what is bothering me. Sure, I can say "I got bullied in school" or "I feel like a total misfit that is barely tolerated" or stuff like that, but then what? In some ways it feels like having lived a life without any big bad things happening to me have made me less of a human, less of a person. And in some ways it is quite the opposite.


And every time I think about the fact that her smile or her pushing me with her head like a cat to get attention or her stretching like a cat or standing like a little girl won't be fore me anymore, my heart breakes in a thousand tiny but sharp little shards. And it hurts even more when I think about what a selfish and self centered little bastard I've been. I'm trying not to be and I am trying not to be that in the future, but that doesn't really make any difference now. Too late, always too late.

Fuck this. I'm going to change my shoes and then I am going to eat semlor.