And they tried to warn me of my evil ways...

I got this feeling of of being found out all the time. But I don't know what I'm going to be found out about. And it got a lot to to with practical things. Like leaving Susanna's or work or what used to be home and thinking all day about "did I do something or leave something out that people are going to be upset about?" Like, did I forget to clean or didn't lock the door or leave my dirty underwear our and am I going to get yelled at when I come back? How did I fail? And this feeling keeps eating me all the time. All the time. This feeling of having fucked up and not knowing how. And this is an old feeling. When I think about it it has been there for years. One of the reasons why I rarely liked to leave home.

All the time, that feeling. Of not being good enough. Of missing stuff because I suck. Because I am so slow at some things. Like this whole situation. It takes me so long to understand and to behave accordingly.

I feel like I'm just mimicking people, and that is why I'm so afraid. Trial and error is not really a method that is that suitable in social situations. I feel a bit autistic when it comes to that. Like I don't know how humans act, what humans do. Like I can't relate to them, so I watch them and try to be like them, but I feel like I'm failing all the time. Taking steps over lines I don't even know exists until I've crashed right through them.

I feel fucking rotten inside. Like I'm painting a house already destroyed by termites with a new coat of paint just because I want it to look good, or something. And I guess it works, in some ways. I think I look better (or at least more presentable) than I have in a long time. I don't think the world sees me as the monster I see myself as. I feel like Morran in the Mumin-sagas. But it doesn't make any difference whatsoever in real life. In so many ways I see it as a weakness. It sort of feels like kissing the worlds ass. But I don't have the energy to be at war with the world right now. I guess Mike Ness and SxDx explains it best in "I was wrong."

"When I was young, I was so full of fear
I hid behind anger, held back the tears
It was me against the world, I was sure that I'd win
But the world fought back, punished me for my sins
I felt so alone, so insecure,
I blamed you instead and made sure I was heard
And they tried to warn me of my evil ways
But I couldn't hear what they had to say"


Story of my fucking life.

How can you live in both worlds at the same time? Can you? I mean, practically. If I didn't have to worry about money, the rest of the world could fuck off. Then I would make the rules. But I don't. I'm at the fucking bottom (well, I guess I could be worse of, but still.).

I got to stop thinking and start feeling. But if I feel, they get to you. If they make you feel things, they get you. They win. I don't want to be in opposition. I suck at being in opposition. I wasn't the sort of kid that didn't want to play with the cool kids. I wanted to play with them, but I wasn't allowed because I didn't rank high enough in the social life in school. And I still feel like that. Like that is shit that matters.

I think I got a problem with memories, and I think that is why I don't remember much of my childhood. Memories are always painful. I rarely remember anything (even good things) without a painful feeling of loss. I can think about a time when I had a really good time and then I feel sad because those times are gone.

I just want to disappear. I've been thinking about slaving at some dangerous well paying shit job for a couple of years and then move somewhere in eastern europe and just be. Move to Prague and do absolutely nothing. Just reading. Writing. Thinking. Feeling. I love this town, but everything reminds me of what I fucked up, of what I lost, of what will never be again. And despite all that has happened and has been done to me, I can't help but feeling that I am the one solely responsible. Like I always do. And it's breaking me. The parade is becoming longer and longer and it's music gets louder and louder and the thing that saved me before is disappearing over the horizon.

But still. Tthis town is home. Even though it is a bit painful now, I love it. I might live somewhere else sometime in the future, but I think this is the town I'll die in. Or at least, I will die in the memories of this town.