Day Of Shit

God, I feel bad today. I just want to stop existing right now.

I wish I was different. I wish I was someone else. I wish I could have been different, or rather I wish I had been different. I wish everything was different.

Everything feels like a mockery right now. Everything reminds me of my failure. Every street I walk down, every store I walk in to, everyone I see, every song I listen to. Everything. Everything reminds me of times passed and opportunities mispent. I see her in everything.

It's amazing that you let people mean so much to you.

And it's not my current, physical situation either. Of course I miss Sabbat and the other cats (but not as much as I thought/feared). But I don't miss home as much as I thought. Not the apartment, not the things. Not my records or my books or movies or clothes. It actually feels kind of good to have nothing but the essentials. But I still miss.


But this has to be done. A lot of the shit in my life has to change. I have to change. And I know myself well enough to know that I have to be in a situation horrible enough to actually provoce me to make the changes I need. And I know that I have to do this more or less by my self. But so often it feels like this problem takes over and overshadows my problems with self esteem and self respect and stuff. It feels, at times, like I couldn't give a fuck about what other people think because I am so miserable that I don't have the energy to care about anything. And that doesn't really feel like a durable solution.


Nope. It doesn't.