Ego Te Absolvo

And I do. Every day. I just wish I didn't have the need to do it every day. That I didn't feel like there was something to forgive, because I don't know if there really is. Could it have been differently? Is acting according to who one is something that can (and needs to) be forgiven? And that goes both ways. Could I have done it differently? Could she? In retrospect I realize there are a lot of places where I could have turned it around. But I don't know if I could have seen it then. And how could I admit to someone I love how much I (obviously) hate and despise myself when I couldn't (and I don't even know if I can now) admit it to myself?

My life feels like a bunch of half assed compromises with myself. I feel like 25 years of weakness, straight through.

Today I've been listening a lot to Jedi Mind Trick's "Razorblade Salvation". I like the lyrics. Shara Worden's parts seem to mirror not only myself. And Vinnie's lyrics at times seems to be about me.

Example:

"Sometimes I feel like that I'm cancerous in others lives
Thats probably why I drink at night and sleep till 4 or 5
It's kinda hard walking through life with my distorted eyes
When I was younger I was stupid and I thought I thrived"


and the Shara Worden parts:

"I know that times were hard
I know that you've been feelin' down
If you only knew how I'm feelin'
For you
If I could take your pain
I wish that I could wash it all away
If you only knew how I'm feelin'"

and

"You've been runnin' around for so long
You've been hurting yourself too much
You keep messin' around with darkness
You're the one who's losing"


Or as Nietzsche would put it: "And when you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."

And the abyss has gazed into my very depths without me even realizing it until now.
I have been so indredibly blind. Mostly when it comes to myself. I killed it. I destroyed. I destroyed my home. It was always home with her. Wherever we where, it was home. But I... I was (and is) messed up. The world just made me sad. Staring into the abyss frightened me so bad. I saw nothing but the abyss. How could I tell someone how I felt, how bad I felt when I didn't even have the knowledge or the guts to realize what I felt? I still don't know. Everything changes so much from day to day, from hour to hour. And the abyss is ever near. And now there is no place to take refuge. And it is just the way it is, sometimes.

But right now the Nietzsche-quote that speaks to me the most is this: "What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil."



I still can't believe this is happening. I still can't believe this is real. I mean, I know that it is. But I can't believe it, in my heart.

I think I got to see Dirty Dancing tonight.

Honour. Honour is a choice. Honour is doing things although it is either in conflict with our feeling, or completely indifferent to our feelings. That is what separates the man of honour from the ordinary human. The choice, the knowledge that we act and do certain things even though the result might not be beneficial to us, or might put us in peril, or might be something that we think is utterly boring. I can't say that I am honourable. But I try. I do try. I think it is important, because it is my firm belief that every human is, under the right corcumstances, capable of every act imaginable. And the only thing that prevent us from doing those things is honour. Like the german soldier who instead of being part of an execution squad on the eastern front dropped his rifle and chose to be a part of those executed instead. I believe that might be the most heroic act I have ever witnessed, although it was for naught. Honour. Maybe it is conscience? Maybe the two are the same?

I believe that in many ways I think in a very christian way. It is not just the results that matter. It is the intent. Why we do things is just as important as what we do. A quite christian thought.


I feel naked. I feel lost. I can't see the stars. The world is as disgusting as always, but I have no choice but to be in it now. There is no other place to be. And I'm afraid it will push me into the abyss, I'm afraid that it will wear me down. I'm afraid it will, in the end, make it impossible for me to move, to do anything. That the darkness becomes my light again. I don't know if I know the way from here. But it is only I who can walk that way.

"You keep messin' around with darkness
You're the one who's losing"