Deer in Headlights

Today... Today a lot of shit came back. Shit about this situation that I thought I had already gone through and dealt with. But it obviously doesn't work that way.

The realization that this is never coming back, that THIS IS IT, it frightens me something fierce. I want to run, to run and never stop, to run and hide. I have a sense of panic in my body that I haven't had since that day when she returned from the south about 2.5 months ago.

This is it. 6 years to an end and now I can't even pretend, now I can't even lie to myself.

It is not leaving this place that scares me the most. It is not ever seeing it again. It is the fact that I am leaving her, for ever that scares me. That makes it hurt.

God. I feel like someone else is going to live my life now.

If this would just have ended without that complication... But then again, what difference would it have made? I'd just find something else to be angry and sad about and she wouldn't even have the comfort she has now. But then again... I don't know. Maybe I could feel like I had something, just not with me right there and then. Maybe... I don't know. No, that is a lie, I do know. I just don't know how to write it down.



It's just... It is humiliating. I can't even talk about the complication (see, I can't even write it!) without feeling the pity and condemnation of the world. The world seeing me as something week. Every time I have stood back because I want her to be happy, I feel the world judging me and I even feel my friends judging me for putting myself through this. I can't admit this to my parents. I can't let them know how the situation is right now. I couldn't stand their pity. I can't stand pity. Pity is the most humiliating feeling there is. Being pitied makes me feel even more ashamed of myself than I already is.

On the other hand: if I had stopped it, if I could have stopped them... The amount of pain that would have brought... I would feel just as bad then. Maybe even worse. Because when I can look away from my own pain, I am glad that if something makes her happy. Even if it means that I am not. I owe her that. That and so much more.



One of my main problems seems to be this: I have not been able to identify my feelings. Or rather, where my feelings come from. I have felt something bad, but I don't know what it is or why it is and it scares me so I don't dare to take a closer look. Something like that.

And I just found out that one of my closest friends ended up in the hospital the other night.

Fuck it, I got to work now.