Road To Perdition

The road I was talking about. It's been the same for 200 years.

I just took a shower. And shaved. And realized it was all for nothing. Shaving, showering, new clothes etc. Pointless to look good. In fact, I don't think I look 'good' and I don't really do it to look 'good.' I do it because it feels like the only way to keep my head over the surface of the water. If you do things that happy succesful humans do, maybe it rubs of on the rest of you?

I don't know. I just got a feeling of 'too little too late' when I saw my reflection just now. And I guess it is. I feel like a fucking hack.

I don't know... Maybe I just need a hug. I've been getting some hugs since I came out here, but they don't do enough.

And I have been doing a lot of thinking. Thinking about those early years. Those years when everything was upside down and we continously fucked each other up. Thinking about how she hurt me then too (God knows I hurt her), and how much that has stayed with me. You think you get past things but you don't, you know? We've both changed so much, but somehow it fels like we still see (or saw) each other as we did then, with equal parts of fear and love. And 5-6 years down the line, shit like that tends to build up to something really ugly. In the end, I guess the love got buried by fear. Maybe. Maybe for me, anyway.

I wish I had trusted her. That I could have trusted her. But I have a hard time trusting people. And given our history I think she was even harder to open up to. Because she is the last person I want to be weak in front of.

No, I got to watch 'Gone With The Wind' now.