Deliverance

Well... Maybe not. But maybe on my way. Spent the evening with friends. Laughed. Really laughed. For the first time in quite some time. But it is hard not to laugh when you once again get to hear about the wonderful adventures of mr. Daun. Stayed totally sober, too. I think that is something I will try and keep up.

I don't like that I spend time with people because it keeps my mind away from myself. It feels dishonest.

Sometimes I wonder if I subconciously think that I have not suffered enough yet.

It is always this problem with my memory. Things slide away. Or at least, I don't remember them but they are there and shape me. I don't remember what has shaped me, and that bugs the shit out of me. How can you shape yourself if you don't know what has made you?


It's strange... Well, no it isn't. Not really. I remember so many of the nights after this started when I just wouldn't fall asleep the whole night just because I wanted to save very minute of what was left, no matter how horrible it was. Lay awake and just look at her and feel. And I felt so much. And now I see her in everything. Things that doesn't even have anything remotely to do with her. That is on the other hand strange.

Fuck.

Well, no more of this right now. I'm going to read and shit now. Keep myself occupied.

I just wish it wouldn't feel so empty.