Solitude

I have a problem with gifts. Not recieving them, but giving them. I don't want people to think that they owe me anything. I don't want people to feel like they have to give me something back or that I have some sort of motif with my actions (other than the obvious ones, that I want to give things to people I like because I like them). And there's a deeper, darker problem. I guess it is a part of one of the big problems. I don't like to show my feelings. If I give something to someone I give them power over me. I tell them "I care about you. Here's my heart." What if they break it? What if they don't want it? It will be devastating and above all, humiliating. They will get to me. Same as everything else.

God, I just got a picture in my mind of all my problems looking like dirty old men in big overcoats coming up to me and... Well, you get the picture.

The floor is covered in my hair. I got to clean this up soon. And I got to get a grip.

Another, more practical problem is the fact that I seem to be incapable of doing several things at once. I mean, I can hardly study and work at the same day. I can't study and DO something else the same day. Every day is just about ONE thing. I got to figure out a way to master that.

I feel fucking stupid.