And today...
...I felt a whole lot more. A whole lot. Yep.
I see things I could do, should do to her and for her. If there was a point to it. If it did nothing more than humiliate myself.
Fuck.
Got new shoes today. Riding boots. I doubt I'll ever use them, because they are a wee bit to small and it took me maybe 20 minutes to press my foot into them (the arch on my right shoe is too high). But what the fuck. If I ever get my foot out of my ass and get those officers riding pants, I guess they'll work perfect. If I can get them on. Men men... Vilja. Våld. Vaselin.
I think I'm coming down with some kind of stomach illness. I'm basically pissing out of my ass.
I feel repulsive right now. Like an old rotten, moldy house that has been covered with a new layer of paint.
I just see my flaws all the time. And I don't mean my emotional or mental flaws (although I see them to), but my physical flaws. Everything is just a bit wrong. I am too skinny, my coat is too big, my feet are too big to my body, I don't have broad enough shoulders, my teeth are wrong, I am too hairy, I sweat too much, nothing fits etc etc. I can see someone that looks good in what they wear and I really think the pull it of, but I couldn't do that. I just... I have some rules that I don't seem to be able to break. That I don't dare to break.
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