Country Trash

Took a walk down the road I mentioned. It's beautiful. There's snow everywhere now. Parts of this area feels really ancient. The woods, the old graves, the houses, the roadmarkers that has been there for at least 150 years. In some ways it makes me kind of sad to think that our family really doesn't have any deep roots to this place. My granddad bought it in the sixties (apparently he paid the whole thing in cash). He had a shop in Stockholm (called "Boutique Estelle') and apparently he made a lot of cash on that.

It's very nice to be out here. Feeling a bit human again. But somehow the void between me and my family is still there. Maybe not as large as before, but just the fact that it is there between me and people I love makes it so much worse. But it is OK. I guess I just feel lonely. And loneliness mkaes me think and feel. Somehow this place feels like loss, in some way. But I guess it is better than being back in Sthlm and be stuck in the same grey shit all the time.

It's nice to feel, even if it is painful. I've spent too much time to avoid feeling things, to avoid myself. But not now. I hope I can keep it up. I hope I have the know how and the guts to keep dealing with my problems when the worst is over.

It's just... You know, people say it helps to talk about things. And it does. I just don't feel comfortable talking about the same stuff several times. If I've said it I've said, you know? But it doesn't work like that.

Plus, I don't have any place safe to open up right now. That was actually a bit harder than I thought.

Yeah, well... Home tomorrow. Then counseling the day after that. And then what? Don't know. But I think I'm OK for now, anyway.