I hate that aspect of myself. The aspect who just won't see, who don't want to see until it is to late. It (no, I) has destroyed so much, not just in me but in my life. FUCK! Why does it always have to come to this? Why does everything have to fall down in ruins around me before I understand, before I see? I have to change this. I must. But how? I. DON'T. KNOW. MYSELF. I hate it. It feels like I have spent so long building a wall against the outside world, and now I don't know what is inside the wall. It feels like the wall is everything there is. I don't know who I am without it. I've crippled myself in so many ways. I am so envious of those that don't have the wall, or don't need it or those that have torn it down. I wish I could be them. No, I wish I had been them and that I am them.
Yesterday I realized that this song has been my life the last year (or more):
It makes me so sad to realize that. It makes me so sad to understand what I made people put up with. That is the worst part.
Had a good talk and cry with mom, though. Told her basically everything. Well, not the details from school or so, just what I feel like and about the wall and about my self confidence and stuff. Made me feel calm. Went to bed without feeling like my sould would explode. Took forver before I could fall asleep, but it wasn't as bad as it usually is.
But still...
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