Ever since I left home I have felt that I am on the edge. And that there is no safety net under me. Never any security. Always from hand to mouth. In every way but one. And that has made me exhausted. So tired. I have felt a lot of new things during the year and things I wanted to try and talk about and do and stuff. But I feel like I have hardly had the energy to survive the subway ride home from work. Or even watch TV. Every minute could be used for studying. Or making something out of your life. I thought that I had one safety. But I didn't. The funny thing is that now I feel a lot freer in many senses, because I don't give a fuck about school or work. Just that thing that matters. But it feels so gone.
I read some old letters today. This problem is not new. I realized that now. And I am so so sorry. I hope it can be fixed, but I fear it is too late. And I hate myself. And I hate them. I really really hate them. I guess it was OK when I felt like there was some hope, but now... I feel left. Used. Abandoned. Spat at. Deserted. Betrayed.
And I know that is not the truth either. But it feels that way.
I feel... I feel like I have been made/forced to change in so many different ways. In many ways a good change, but I fear that there is an amount of resentment inside me. And that the way the changes has been provoced has made me sort of not in charge. Lethargic. Not knowing how to do or what to do. Chicken of me, I know.
Talk? I don't know what about. I have never known. Don't know what I feel. Don't know what they are called. I don't recognize what feeling is what. And I... I feel like a child.
I feel like throwing up all the time.
I have nothing. I am nothing.
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