If it's not broken, why fix it?

There's so much I remember now. That I had forgotten. Signs I should have seen. Not about Our problem (well it is our problem, but it is not The problem that I have right now), but about her. Things I ignored because they were too far from me. Morally and emotionally. They scared me. I should have seen them. I should have seen them more clearly. I should have dealt with them. Instead I choose to forget them, ignore them, avoid them.
Just saw a part of a mini series about Sartre. I remember she said things about Sartre and de Beauvoir ages ago, back at the old place. I remember her saying things when we saw that documentary. I wish I had paid closer attention and made the choice to confront it, to confront myself. But I am too scared of myself. Too scared to change things. I am not a fighter. I've always wanted to hide from the world. That's why I read so much as a child. That's why I listen to music. That's why I always listen to my iPod when I am not at home. That's why I hate when people look at me at the subway. The world still scares me so. So I run. And hide. If I can't see it, it is not there.
I wish I had the guts to confront myself. To confront the world. I wish I was more like her. I recently described myself as emotionally nearsighted. Not really true. I have kept my eyes on the ground, desperately trying to avoid the horizon. Each new day brings a new terror. I have not had the guts to confront it.



Q: -If it's not broken, why fix it?

A: -Because maintanance is always necessary.

I fucked up the maintanance.



I hope I remember all this (all these thoughts and feelings and insights). That has been my problem in the past. I tend to forget and ignore. I hope I remember. I hope someone has the guts and interest to tell me when I stray. I hope I can see them and hear them then.

I hope I can get over this (me). And that (him). It is eating my soul away. It is tearing slivers from my heart and devouring them like a ugly, foul smelling monster, grinning in carnivorous glee at me when it sees my pain and my tears, savouring every piece and every drop.

It took so long for me to realize this. I want to change. I really want to change now. Not because of her or us, but because of me. I can't be this person anymore. I'm crying right now. For once not because of the Situation, but because of my situation. I feel a great grief over the time I have wasted. The lives I have wasted. The things I have wasted. I so hope that I don't fall back in the same old tracks. Even if she and I don't end up like I want to, even if that becomes so ugly and twisted and evil that we never can talk or see each other again I don't want to to be like this. An emotional, weak, cowardly cripple. I want to be strong and beautiful. I want to grow. I have felt so small during the last 2 years. The only ambition I've ever had in my life got shot to pieces before it ever took of the ground. It takes so much for me to admit it, but I got nothing to lose now. If I had admitted it earlier I might still have things to lose.

She has tought me so much and I am so grateful. If ot wasn't for the fact that I would get a smack on the head and be called a fantasy-nerd I would refer to her as my warrior woman. Come to think of it, I will probably get a new one torn just for writing this, but what can I say? It is the new me. Like it or leave. ;)

I hope I can be forgiven for being the small and lowly creature I have been. I hope I can make you proud one day. I hope I can prove myself worthy.

I hope I have the strenght to let This/That be. To let it rest. To let the scars grow. Not to pick at the open wound and not to pick at the scabs.



This song is important to me. It used to be me. But now it feels like an insult. Not to me, though. Not to me.

Yes, I know it is a commercial. That doesn't make it any less beautiful and it doesn't make the song worse.