And it is night again. Makes the thoughts spin by them selves. I got to get the studying going. The thing is, I am just as bored at life as I have been during the whole of 2007. I have no life. I don't want it. I don't like people. I feel like a hoax everywhere I go. I feel like an idiot, a loser. Like everyone looks down on me. Part of my reclusion during the last year(s) is probably because of this. Coming from a working class background and suddenly be thrown in with upper middle class students everywhere... I just feel like they are going to find me out anytime soon. Find out that I don't belong there. I feel like I am some sort of affirmative action/token student. Like a gay and gypsy on a Holocaust conference. I feel at best tolerated in the world. Not when I am with my closest friends (the 2 or 3 that I have), but everytime I am at a gig or a club or just out shopping or anywhere. I feel like the whole world is viewing me as some sort of... child (I guess that is why I am such a besserwisser and quite confrontational at times). I guess I have had a hard time facing that this past year.
I just feel lonely. I don't want that. But so far I have just been running away. I don't know if I know how to do anything else.
Fuck. I might just cry soon. I shouldn't. I have cried too much the last month. It seems like just yesterday. And it seems like a lifetime ago.
I don't want to do this. I don't want to force my feelings on others. I never have. But I feel like I am at my last here.
I'm sorry. I should be able to deal with this. I should be able to think this through in a rational way. But this is way too strong tonight.
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