The New Project 6

I hate bullys. I hate them because I was bullied. And I hate them because sometimes it is so easy for me to forgive. And I hate them because I believe that had things gone a bit different when I was a kid I might have become one. I hate that, and I am very scared of that notion. I believe it to be so because the choice between 'good' and 'bad' is very much a choice for me. Not something that is based on a feeling, an instinct, but a knowledge of what the consequenses of my actions are. And that scares me. I'm sure most people work like this, but that still doesn't mean that I am not scared by myself. That is why I almost always feel bad when I have been drinking. The ability to make that choice goes out the window. I can act mean. Very mean. At least I feel like that. I don't appreciate that.

The funny thing is that I have that feeling of guilt even if I go out and don't drink, or drink very little. There are very few people I can drink with and feel good with. Those are either people with the same kind of humor or people I don't really care about.

Sometimes I feel like an autist. I feel like a total misfit in any kind of social situation. I don't trust myself. It is not helped by the fact that I feel barely tolerated anywhere in the world.

And what is even scarier is the fact that during the last years, my ability to remember stuff I've done while drunk is fading. When I was young I could remember everything. I remembered every beer, I remembered every conversation, every cigarette no matter how drunk I was. These days there are always blanks. I don't remember if I called a girl a whore almost a year ago, but she was really really mad at me. I don't think I called her that, but why would she be mad at me if I didn't? Am I someone who can do stuff like that? Is that me? A part of me? I think I might have called the bartender (I know him) a whore and she heard it, but maybe I didn't. I don't know. I didn't even remember if I did or did not say it the seconds afterwards. I don't remember much from saturday night (and I am thankfull for that), but given the situation I don't think I was at my best and if I wasn't downright offensive I was probably incredibly embarassing. The last months have shown me a lot of parts of myself that I didn't know existed, so I don't really know what I am capable of. I do believe that I am capable of being really mean. And I don't want that. But the only way I know how to battle that is making a promise to myself to not behave in a certain way, and that is so hard. So flimsy. It tears like a piece of paper in the wind.

The worst part is, I hardly know how to be sociable without alcohol. At least that what it feels like. That is sad.