Humanitas

I do things every day, because that is what humans do. I take a walk, I drink some coffe somewhere, I go shopping, I call a friend, because that is what humans do. I don't feel human. But I am supposed to be, and if I'm not I don't know what I am. So I play this charade. It doesn't make me happy, it doesn't make me anything. The only thing it does is kill time and give me a mask. I couldn't care less, except I know that If I don't do this I will fall down some horrible hole that is even worse that this one. A hole I don't know (a lie, I do know it. I've been staring down into it for over a year.). I don't feel more human, but I imagine I look it and that is the best I can do right now. A mask, a face, an act. If I pretend it maybe it becomes real?

Fuck. I am so so sorry for being so blind and being such an idiot. I feel when I look at the world and at people that I can barely grasp them, that I can barely see them for what they really are. That I barely can relate to them. I want to relate, I want to see.
At least I've come to realize that I don't know myself. Is that a step in the right direction?

I am so sorry. I've never realized how important the little things are. I've wasted it all. So many opportunities, so many ways to improve, to improve us, myself, to make us happy. Fuck. I've never regretted anything as much as this. I've never regretted being a coward as much as now.