Echolalia

I...

I don't know what to write. I feel like shit. Sure, I feel calmer than I have for a month, but I still feel like crap. Feeling like all life has been drained from me. Worn out. Exhausted. And still... I just can't sit down and rest. Do I have to keep my mind occupied? Maybe? Probably. Spent the day walking around. Just walking, doing nothing. Buying a book and some other stuff. Reading a bit. I think it is because I don't have school anymore. There is nothing for me to study (that's a lie, because I have a bunch of failed exams to deal with, but not right away.). To just sit down with a book of my choice and not feeling guilty or stressed out because I am not studying, that is a feeling I have missed. And to be able to do it without having to worry about money... Strange. Plus, the real problem has kind of made the whole prospect of just sitting down and be fed entertainment through the TV kind of disgusting (not to mention worrying about money. Fuck that, you know?). I feel like I must activate myself, in the ways that I choose. Activate my mind, my heart, my soul, my emotions. It needs to be done, and it needs to start now.

I should have done this sooner, I think.


Got some of the old dirty feelings left in me. Hard to get rid of.
But I have gotten more than I hoped for, and more than I deserve so I will be alright.

In one way it is incredibly invigorating not knowing what I'll do tomorrow. Just take it as it comes. On the other hand, it is very frightening.

I just feel like a piece of my soul is missing. But it is like it is, right now. As I said, I have gotten more than I hoped for and more than I deserve, and just that is magnificent.


I believe this band will be the soundtrack to a large part of my near future: