The New Project 2

I have a problem with crying. When I cry I feel like that little kid on the playground who just got beat up. It is humiliating. And the problem is, it has always been very easy for me to cry. That is a problem. You don't exactely get a lot of respect when you cry about everything. I cry when I am angry, for example. People tend to not take your anger seriously if you cry. Main problem (and it is a bullshit problem in reality, but not to me): it is not manly to cry. I have to keep it away. But since it is so easy for me to cry as soon as I feel something, I have to refrain from giving the emotions room. Because if I feel them, if I really feel them I will cry. So I keep it away. But it surfaces in other ways, I guess.

I hate machismo. I hate men. I hate acting manly. But it is still important to me. I hate it. But I cannot let it go. I so want to drop it. But it has been what I have measured myself against for quite som time, in one way or the other.

I'm ashamed of myself. It feels like everybody else I know are free and beautiful spirits who know themselves, know what they want and I feel like such an ugly dwarf, chained to the earth. Chained to the earth by myself.

However. During all this I had to make a great plunge into the unknown (ie trusting people) and so far I have been caught. I am lucky. I have friends. That feels good.

I feel like I have exhausted my mind. We'll see if something new shows up.