The New Project 1

I have been informed of and come to realize that there are a lot of things in my life, in my past that I need to deal with. Things I have previously ignored. I don't really know how to do that, but I believe that writing about it here is a first step. I choose to publish it here because I don't want myself to be a secret anymore. To anyone. I want to be a proud and beautiful soul who is not ashamed of anything. That is not who I am today. But where to start? I guess I'll type it down as I come to think of it.

My self esteem has always been very low. There are very few things I believe that I am good at. I believe I know very few things that will actually take me somewhere.

I have always been the smart kid. Always. It was my only currency in school, so to speak. I was the kid who helped other kids in class, the one you came to when you had a problem in english or in history or in religion. I didn't get good grades, but still. I was smart. Everybody always told me I was smart. The only thing I have ever been. Smart. So I went to the university. It took me a long time to dare to apply. To dare to make the change, dare to take the leap. And I failed. I used to be a big fish in a small pond. It broke my heart. The only thing I have ever really been was stolen from me. No, it was not stolen. I wasn't good enough. I had failed. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't smart. The only place I have come to where I have felt "wow! I could spend the rest of my life doing this! This is ME! This is where it starts!" and I wasn't good enough. A working class kid thrown in for the sake of appearence with the real elite. The only ambition I have ever had, and I failed. Doesn't matter why I failed. I failed. And I was (and am) too proud to ask for help. Too ashamed.

I have always felt out of place. Even as a kid. I have never felt like I had a place that was mine. Friends who really where MY friends, who loved me for me. I have always felt like the second choice. I have felt like I must hide a great deal of myself.

I have never understood how things work. Not without making some big mistake that showed me "this is NOT an OK way to act." This makes me feel even more out of place. It probably has to do with the fact that I didn't really spend much time with anyone from the age of 11 to the age of 18. I was very isolated during those years, although it was worst between 11 and 13. It gradually got better, but I still felt out of place. The kid who got to tag along because why not? Not because anyone wanted me there, but because why not? Tolerated at best. That got proven to me when one of my closest friends told me that she didn't think that we should be friends anymore. She told me that when I was in a really fucked up state too. It destroyed so much. Some time later we saw each other by chance in the city and she smiled and waved at me. I was destroyed and emotionally mutilated and she smiles and waves at me? This being, that was the only one I had trusted with my feelings and who let me down in the cruelest of ways and she smiles and waves at me? So I sent her a text message saying that if we ever meet again and she looked like she recognized me I would kill her. The thing is, she had been dogging my calls and text messages all summer, and then when I finally got a reply and I was on the brink of self destruction I got that. I hate her. I still do. She is dead to me.

I met (by coincidence) someone who know us both about a year ago. I really like this person. He was one of the best teachers I have ever had. But I was disgusted that he still knew her. He haven't tried to contact med in 7 years, but he meets her all the time. The feeling went by pretty fast so I didn't pay much attention to it. I probably should have.

I wasn't the one that was always picked on in school, but it was very clear that if anyone wanted to, there was no obstacle to pick on me. So I got beat up on a couple of occations. I don't remember when this happened, but I was very young and the whole class (more or less) ganged up on me in a snow ball fight and really pummeled the shit out of me with snow. I cried and I screamed and I tried to fight them but it didn't help. The only one who helped me and comforted me when it was over was my friend Axel. For that and so much more I owe him my life.

Some years later I was locked in to the showers after PE. All soaped up and all alone. I told them that it was OK (because I figured they had to leave pretty soon) as long as they didn't turn the lights off. Of course they turned the light off. Alone and cold. The thing is, I don't even remember becoming that angry or that sad or upset. It was just something that happened. I remember telling a teacher, and it helped because I don't remember them touching me anymore.

(But I don't trust my memory. There are so many things that I have forgotten or remember wrong and it makes me a bit scared. Have I acted on things because I remember them wrong or because I don't remember them at all? Or have I forgotten some things because they really doesn't matter? Or have I forgotten them because I am a self centered bastard who can't see properly? Which is it? How do I fix it?)

In many ways I feel like my life started 6 years ago. Like it was the first time I learned to interact with people, for real. Like it was the first time that I met people who showed me themselves, and that I could show myself to. People that knew themselves. Knew who they where and are. Like it was the first time that I really met people, like I really understood social interaction and people. It was great. It still is. I don't know who I am.

It is very important to me to be right. Not about facts (although I am a horrible besserwisser), but about the way that I appear. Choosing to wear a band shirt because it is the coolest shirt, not because I really really like the band (But I should make something clear: I don't wear music merch with bands I don't like. I do, however, wear some shirts more often than they deserve. I like Christdriver and German Oak, but not as much as I like their shirts). The only place where I don't feel like a total idiot, where I know I am right is when I wear my 'uniform' and is among like minded. I feel like a total poser and pretender when I am at a fancy dress party. It is the school thing all over again. Not belonging. Granted, I don't feel at home in the metal or punk community either but at least there I know how to act the part. I know how to look like the coolest guy. I know the rules and I know them well enough to be able to bend them.

I must leave metal. Especially black metal. I'm not saying that I'm going to stop listening to the music or anything, but I must leave the scene and the culture. I must become something else. The culture is full of idiots and people that I feel like I have to hide such a large part of myself from (on the other hand, I know so many magnificent persons in the scenes, to).). Plus I can't stand the way people look at me. They believe I am like that. A sexist, homophobic, macho idiot. And I am not that. I don't want to be that. It's breaking me. That's another thing about the university. I really felt "how can I be taken seriously when I look like this? Who will respect me? Who will believe that I am actually good at this? I look like a moron." But this is how I look. In so many ways it is me. I just can't stand it. It is such a big part of me. Black metal has really helped me in a lot of ways. It has taught me strength in so many ways. But I believe it is time to leave it (I left it years ago in reality, but I need some sort of clean break). But for what? I don't know anything else. I don't know how to dress in any other way. I don't know how to be something else. I've had some help in that department, but is going away, I fear. And I still thinks it looks awesome. And I don't know if what I feel I want to be, what I want to look like, if that is just some sort of reaction to what is happening to me know. Is it me or am I just a reaction again? I don't want to be reaction, I want to be action. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't want to play the part anymore. I want to be me. All of me. All the time.

I feel like such a weakling and traitor for writing this. I'm sorry.

I feel very strange when I see people with designer clothes or designer brands. I feel bad. I feel they look down on me, in my cheap jeans and cheap shoes and discount shirt. I don't fit. And I don't know how to. I've fought against fitting in for so long. "They don't want me? Fuck them! I don't need them!" But I feel like such a loser. I'm 25 and I have the same shitty dead end job I had when I was 20. I haven't moved a bit. I haven't evolved.


I'm so afraid of getting stuck in some suburb somewhere. Just getting stuck. I hate the suburbs. They feel dead. Full of dead people. People that don't even try to think. I have appreciated the last 5-6 years so immensly. I have been thinking so much and I have been so stimulated. I wish I could have stimulated my emotions to. There is so much I've missed. So much that I should have learned. But I am lazy and a coward. I'm so afraid of that. I am lazy. I am. How do I change that?

I'm so ashamed of myself. I couldn't see that I was loosing the only thing that really matters. I could have done something.

At times I hate myself. I don't even feel like a person, like a human. I feel like a chameleon. I don't feel real. I don't feel like a real person.