The New Project 3

It's about not giving in. Not letting them see your weakness. Not admitting that you are weak. The crying and not caring about getting locked in the shower, and at one time getting photographed naked in the shower by some older kids. If I care and show it I admit that they have gotten to me. Both to them and to myself. Story of my life. But I do care. I just push it aside.

One time, when I was around 13 or 14 years old I got slapped around by one of the cool girls in school (coincidentally one of the sexiest girls I had ever seen up to that time). I didn't cry when she did it but I was mortified. I don't remember why she did it. She probably thought I was annoying or something. The thing was I tried to keep it inside but I couldn't I started to hyper ventilate and sob during our S.O.-class. Almost felt like I had a seizure of some sort. So utterly humiliating. Being beaten by a girl and crying over it. Not because I thought that it matters if I got beaten by a girl or a boy, but because I was worried about what everybody else would think.

I remember buying some new clothes for P.E. around the same time. I was down at the mall and some of the cool girls in my class come up to me and started talking. They said my clothes looked cool and they wanted to borrow some money (like 20 or 40 SEK). I said sure. I was supposed to get them back in a few days. I came home to my mother and she saw the price tag and wondered why the rest of the money was (the money I had lent the girls) and I couldn't really give her a straight answer (because I knew I had been used and I couldn't admit it to her). She said it wasn't OK for me to spend that money because it was hers and she would deduct it from my allowance. So I asked the girls about the money, but I never got it back. Just some excuses and some sneers.

Something similar happened around that time, but in the winter. We went ice skating. A guy who used to be my friend when we just had started school (from 7 to 9) but had turned into one of the cool kids asked if he could borrow my skates when I went home. I shaid he could. I was going to get them back the day after. So the next day I asked ghim. He said I should come to the P.E.-hall after school because he was practising with his basket ball team or something. So I went there. Knocked on the door and some of the older kids opened. I asked if he was there and they looked at me like I was a total moron (like "how can you even think you can come here and ask us anything?"), said "no" with a sneer and closed the door. I never asked him again. I didn't want to humiliate myself anymore. Lost a 600 SEK pair of perfectly good skates there and then.

A year or two later I was a punk rocker. Me, Axel and his girl was going to see "Fucking Åmål." On the way from the subway I was stopped by an older punk who did his best (and succeeded) in intimidating me. I don't remember what he said but it had something to do with my anarchy pin. And then he ripped the Thors hammer pendant my mother had made for me from my neck. And that was it. We went to the movies. The most humiliating part was the fact that there was some police officers outside the subway station, but I could not bring myself to telling them. Partly because of the weakness thing, but also because I was so afraid. I've never told anybody about this. Not even my mother. I was (and is, but for other reasons) so ashamed. I've had a hard time with "Fucking Åmål" ever since.

It is so painful that this comes out now. But I don't feel like I have a choice. Everything comes pouring out now. I don't know how next week is going to be. I'm going out to the old folks place. I don't know how much I can teel them. I haven't really told them anything about myself since they moved. I didn't even tell them that I started to study. I haven't told them that I failed miserably. I haven't told them that I am in debt. I haven't told them anything about what happened when I was a kid. They know so little about me, I feel. I guess I am ashamed of being weak, because that is what it boils down to. I feel weak and ashamed and like nothing.