Thumper

The truth hits me like a fat man with a sledgehammer in the chest a few times a day. In different ways. Different realities, different truths. Different questions. Stuff like "how am I going to DO this?" But the scariest part of that question is the answers. Too often they tend to be something in the vein of "what do I care?" or "does it matter? Does it make a difference, a real difference?"

I'm so tired. I can't even remember the last time I had a full nights sleep. I feel like I'm 100 years old.

On the other hand, I do think it makes a difference. I do care. I feel like I'm coming in for a crash of some sort. Maybe just exhaustion of some sort, maybe something else. I think that I'm in some ways are trying to pull up or trying to build something that will last during and after the crash. I don't know. I don't know what or how or anything. Hence the erratic behaviour. I don't know if I actually construct anything, though. It feels like I'm burning as much as I'm building. "The road to hell..." etc.

If one looks at my history of alcohol use, one can definitiley see that I don't learn from my mistakes. The hangovers are really killing me. Not the physical side. I can stand feeling nauseus, dizzy, tired, headaches and stuff. What I can't stand is feeling like shit mentally. Something that basically always happens. I always find something I've done to feel bad about.

Listening to Bonnie 'Prince' Billy probably doesn't help.