Enlightenment

"For me, there are things you do, things you feel and things you think. And these three are separate, and need to be. Or I don't really know what I will do. I mean it. If I act on my emotiones, jailtime might be needed. Not right now, but in the past.

I don't know what I want to say with this. Maybe just that I have had lifelong training in not showing what I feel about anything to anyone, least of all myself. I don't know."



I think I do know what I want to say with this. I want them to correspond. I want equal measures of them. I want them in symbiosis. I do not want one to take power over the other, has it has been in the past (although I don't know which one took the power.).

Letting yourself be sad is a relief. I feel better when I have been sad than when I have been angry, because the anger doesn't go away. I think I have spent so much time being angry. Time I should have spent crying. Because it was not really anger, it was sorrow disguised as rage. Because I could not let my guard down, I could not show myself weak. Not to anyone. So many emotions that I killed and ignored in myself.

Remember when I said that I didn't cry at my grandmothers funeral? That I didn't really mourn her? I didn't cry when I heard that my high school teacher had died. Didn't feel anything. There are many such examples, when I just haven't felt anything. Maybe I haven't let myself feel them. People have come and people have gone, things have happened and I didn't feel anything. And by not feeling, or rather, by not letting myself feel I have not learned who I am. By not letting myself mourn.

I do not think it is the unwillingness to face pain that has lead me to be like this. I think it is the unwillingness to show myself weak, to show mysel vulnerable, to show myself a failure, to be humiliated, to risk facing a rejection when I am in pain that has lead to this.

Up until I was around 20 I mostly never had anyone. It was always me. Just me, by myself. Even when I was in crowds. Even when I was with friends. And the few people that I felt I could depend on either drifted away, stabbed me in the back or I hurt them so much that I didn't feel I had any right to impose myself on them.

Up until now I don't really know if I really have understood the concept of friendship. I don't think I dare to understand and trust it fully now either.

I hope I dare. Dare everything. Dare to change my life, dare to do something with myself. Dare to try and be what I want to be. Dare to feel like I deserve it and that I am as good as everyone else. Dare to be myself. I feel like I'm slowly dropping the act, but I don't know what I am replacing it with. If I'm replacing it with another act or if I'm replacing it with something else.

I think studying have fucked me up a bit. Learning to see how everything is connected and HOW it is connected taught me that I have a place in the world. But that was not necesarilly a good thing, because the world is a big and ugly place and people get hurt a lot and noone cares. It taught me that there really is no escape, that subcultural belonging means next to nothing in the grand scheme of things and thinking that that could be the way out... I guess I have put too much faith in dressing in black. That I just don't see it as something fun and beautiful, but as something more.

I guess I have to get back to work now.