12 hours later...

...and some sleep later life is... OK, I guess. I get trapped in circles of thought at night. And they are hard to get out of.

The most disturbing thing about last night was not the fact that I was so angry and sad and just fucked up that I wanted to throw everything I own on a bonfire and yaddayaddayadda. It was that I felt the old me starting to creep in again. The one that got angry instead of sad. The one that would do something mean and petty instead of doing something constructive with his rage.

That spooked me a bit.

I can still feel something building up inside me. It is almost a physical sensation, like something in the center of me reaches out into my every limb with it's tentacles.

I don't want this. But this is what I have.

I have to let go. Even more. Every time I let go a little more it is like barbed wire being pulled through my heart. I feel like I'm being pulled away with the tide. Or that maybe it is not me being pulled away by the tide. I don't know.

I guess I am just fucking myself up all the time. Maybe.

Time for a shower and then work. And tomorrow a bit of therapy. And school.


I hate the fact that they seem to have so much more in common than we ever had. It makes me feel like we just fooled each other for such a long time.