French Names

Had a pretty OK evening. The trip home was awful, but I managed to survive. Went by Black Hole because I really needed to see someone. Just see another person that knows that I exist. Just be somewhere. Somewhere safe with people that are safe. Maybe even allow myself to fall for a moment. And it ended up good. I had a good evening. Not only S where there, but also J and M. So we basically ended up just talking and then fixing dinner and watched 'The Perfume.' And it reminds me of myself. In so many ways it is a movie about me. Rarely do I see myself as much in a character as I do in Grenouille. His lack of understanding, his otherness, his difference and I definitely understand precisely what he feels when he lets go of the hankerchief and understand that it is not him they love. It is the perfume. I see myself in the Grenouille that is portraid in the book, too. The total misanthrope. The shunned, scorned and loathed hater of humanity. The one that will make them love him just because he hates them so much. I know him. I know them both.

It is strengthening in one way. And deeply disturbing in another. I don't want to hate. I don't want to fear. I want to feel safe, at least from myself.

I need to talk to someone. I need to open up to someone. Someone new, maybe. I can feel myself closing and I must dare to fight it. I hope I can do it. I hope it will work.

It was an OK night. A nice night. I didn't really get to adress the issues that I wanted to adress today, but it is OK. Friends, excellent food and a good movie. That's alright, to say the least.

And I gave S my proposal about taking some weight of her shoulders and she took it hook, line and sinker. And it makes me a bit happy that I can help her. She is so precious to me. And that reminds me that I should go do the dishes now.