Razorblade Love

During these past months I have come to realize that I like to shave. I didn't before. But then I didn't know how to do it properly + I saw no good in it. No good in looking my best. Quite the opposite. I felt that I wouldn't be able to hide myself and what I thought I was from the world if I shaved or not. Plus I was worthless at it. Hurt myself. It was really uncomfortable.

But I like to shave now. It gives me a sense of intimacy with myself. Of knowing myself. Of taking care of myself. Or realizing that I want to look good and that looking good makes you feel better about yourself. It might be a bit empty, but that is alright for now.

I don't think I've taken myself into account for years as much as I do now. In so many ways I care so much for myself, see myself, trying to be myself now more than ever. And in others I ignore myself more than ever.

Shaving is very intimate for me. It is very much about me and for me. In some ways it is almost sexual. Maybe that is the wrong word, but somehow it is the perfect word. And I realize now that it has been like that for some time. Strangely enough shaving is like sex in the way that sometimes I want to share it with someone else. It is something in the vein of someone you love just grabbing you by the lapels and kiss you just because they want you. Someone shaving me is a sign of affection for me. Someone doing that... It's like love. It's them showing you that they care about you. It's them showing you that they want you to look your best because they love you. It's them making you beautiful. It's them making you beautiful because they want you. It's them going to the trouble of shaving you (because it isn't easy to do it right) when you could do it just as well (and probably better) on your own. In that way it is like sex. Because admit it, masturbation gets the job done easier and faster, but for the most of the time you'd rather fuck with someone you care about. For someone else the same thing might be achieved with someone just straightening your tie or giving you a backrub or cooking for you or playing with your hair or something like that.

It's about giving and caring. About someone giving you something that you want and need because they want you to have it. Because they want to give it to you. Because they want you and they will work for it and they want you to know it.

And now I'm giving it to myself. I'm making love to myself. I'm caring for myself. I'm discovering myself. I'm getting to know myself. And it feels glorious. And it is incredibly sad. Incredibly sad that I didn't see this before and that I couldn't (or didn't dare to) put my confused feelings into words. It makes me so incredibly sad that I didn't see this earlier. That I am getting to know myself now and not before. I hate it. I hate that it's happening now. I loathe it and I loathe myself. But it is as it is. And to be honest, I unfortunately doubt that it could be any other way or that I could have come to these realizations any other way. And that just makes me sadder.

But it makes me wonder what I'm missing and what I have yet to discover. What mistakes I will make in the future.

I wonder when a day will go by without me crying? I thought that maybe today would be the first since the end of november, but it wasn't.

But today was OK. And I'm not asking for more right now.