Therapy?

I don't know... Strangely enough these last two weeks have been OK. No major meltdowns, no major fuck ups, no major drama. And it makes everything clearer. It makes it so much sadder in some ways.

I just CAN'T talk about some things. Physically can't. I try (and it is better now) but every time I try I choke up and I feel like I'm about to throw up. And I feel fuckin raped and abused for just thinking about the way I feel. And it's better, it gets better. But it is still so hard. And at the same time that it gets easier it gets som much harder.

I'm just... No matter how horrible these past 6 months have been, there has at least been a sence of freedom in them. But it is disappearing now. The sense of "I can do anything because nothing matters and there's just one thing I care about", it is going away. I feel the fear of showing myself week again. And it is affecting... Everything. It's harder and harder to open up to my counselor. Less and less to talk about. Well, not less and less to talk about, but it is harder and harder to talk about it. Harder and harder to be truthful. Harder and harder to feel like I can give her everything, because I am afraid to show myself stupid and weak.

I feel so closed of. Like at least 50% of the world is off limits to me now. And that is new feeling. It has been there for years. I think I had some pause in it the first years of the relationship, because somehow I felt that there where places for me out there. And then... It just felt like thre wasn't. And it got worse. But I had a bit of a bridge to them. Sort of. Now I just feel... Outcast. Pariah. Leper. Persona non grata. I don't feel I have the ability to combine myself with the rest of the world. In any way. I feel like a clown, like a poseur. I have this constant feeling that I must show the world that I reject it before it rejects me. And at the same time I want to be a part of it.

And somehow it has been made perfectly clear that I am not wrong. And in another way the world lies before my feet. It's just that I want it to want me there. To find me interesting, special and bla bla bla. I don't want to have to compromise to be let in. I don't want to find another mask to be let in.

I hate people.
I hate the human race.

Once again I feel like Grenouille.

And I feel like I can't do what I want either, because it would be so stupid in the eyes of the world. Like wearing corpse paint when you ain't in a band and you ain't on stage.

I don't know where I fit in.

I feel like I am playing. Like I'm a kid that's just finished a drawing and the parents says "that's really nice" when in reality it's just shit.

I just feel so wrong among people. That they can see that I'm faking it. I'm not afraid of them seeing the "real" me or how bad I feel or how worthless I think I am. It is much more superficial than that. And it bugs me to fucking death. So stupid, so fucked up, so wrong, so childish, so silly. I mean, come on! Eveyone else looks and acts like total idiots. I'm a fucking king among men in that departement! But no. It obviously doesn't work like that.

I'm a fool.

Does everybody feel like this? I'm starting to believe that they do.

I wish I didn't feel so alone.