I Can See Now

I can see that I haven't been able to see or understand other peoples feelings (or indeed, other people just in general) as I should have. I am getting better at it, empathy and maybe even sympathy. Maybe. I hope so. I see other people more clearly. I see their problems and their feelings, their loves and their pains. And I care. And it pains me that I didn't see it before. That I didn't understand what could be painful or damaging. And when I did, it circled around my feelings.

It pains me a great deal. What I have done, what I haven't done. Ouf of stupidity. Out of ignorance. Out of blindness.

And I guess now people will say something like "well, now you see and now you won't make the same mistakes the next time" but I don't want a next time. I want to have been able to see and act as I should this time, these past years. I still do. I want to repair my mistakes, not avoid making new ones. But it is too late for that. Too late. I hate it. Why couldn't I see it when it was spelled out right in front of me!? And now it's burned to the ground and now I am Pompeii. Or maybe Babylon, for those of you aquanted with Carnivàle.

Fuck.