It's just getting so real, you know? Moving and all. My dad going to be my bondsman and everything. If it's one thing I hate it's being and economical burden to anyone. I mean, I can hardly ask for a loan even when I am starving. It's humiliating. Weak. And above all, I don't want to be a problem in anyones life. A burden. So I just... Let it run it's course, hoping that I will pull through. And it tends to make things worse (as has been proven). I think it is something that runs through a lot of me. Humiliating to show oneself weak. Scary. What if the ones I show myself weak to won't help? Won't be there? What if I let myself fall and no one catches me? And what if I becomes a problem to someone? That is horrible. That is the last thing I want to be. I don't want to be in the way.
I don't know, I don't know... I'm just scared. Worried. I have no faith in myself or the world. Or anything. Everything is so... Either so fragile or so rock hard it's impossible.
On another note, I tried on a suit jacket today. I had tried it on before and I thought it fit me perfectly. But not this time. Pathetic as it may sound it almost made me cry. And I thought "no, this place is not for me either." And it was fucking H&M! Come on Alex! Silly stupid idiot. That place is for everyone, that is the fucking point of the place!
And I feel... I feel cheap and dirty. Even there. There's something fucking wrong with me. And when I try my fucking hardest to look "presentable" I feel even worse, you know?
I'm starting to suspect that this is just the start of something worse. I wish I didn't have such a working class perspective on things. I really do. I really wish that money wasn't so extremely important to me, I really wish that I didn't feel that being in debt the worst thing there is, I really wish that I didn't feel like the amount of money you paid for your stuff is more important than style. Or whatever.
Yeah, well... It's not like I really can afford that jacket anyway. Well, I can. But I have to keep a tight lid on the economy the coming months.
I'm just worried. And stressed. I am always worried and stressed (see above reasons) but now it's getting into overdrive. I got my paychek today and I got a pretty big check so you'd think that I would be less worried today than yesterday. But noooo.
Well, whatever. I guess I just got to try and roll with the punches.
Anyway, I guess that is why I'm so... Unstable at the moment. My material little safeness is comming to a possible end. It makes me twitchy.
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