Weakling Avenger

I just wish everyday wouldn't feel like a battle. A battle against what, you say? Well, every day just feels like the only thing I do is fighting to not give up. Just not give up. And it's hard. And it feels like it's getting harder by the minute. Because I don't know what I would give up or why it would be bad thing to give it up. Or what I gain by not giving it up.

The feeling is old. For years I have been fighting. Trying to keep my nose over the water and not having energy to do anything else. Feeling that it was important to not fall deeper and not give up. And now... I don't know if I feel that it isn't important, but it's just that I don't know if I can. I mean, humans do things. They have a job, a life, somewhere to live, friends, a stabile environment. A normal environment. So I have tried to get that, to do that. Because if I act human, maybe I am human. At least I ca pretend. They say that you get happier just by laughing even if you laugh at something you don't find remotely funny. Something like that. But now... It just doesn't get better. I just feel like I don't know if I have the energy to even try anymore. I don't know if the lie can convince me anymore.


Everytime I feel something it feels like it will last forever. That's silly, because what I feel changes quite often. So it would be nice if I could get into my head that it won't last forever. Hell, I know everything else ends. But it feels like it. I feel alone and I feel like I will always feel alone. And it makes it hard to fight.

I don't know who I am or what I am or why I am anymore.