Chicken? Egg?

So what came first? The world rejecting me or me rejecting the world? Did I find a 'scene' because couldn't relate to humans or did the 'scene' stop me from relating to humans?

It's not that I don't want to help people. Or be there. Or doing things. It's just that I am afraid of the reaction. That I by offering my help will insult them, will tell them that I think they are failing. Or that I will seem needy. Or something like that. GOD, I hate that I am this way! I hate it hate it hate it. I feel... no let me correct that. I AM a social misfit. I don't like it, but I am. Everytime you think that I am not, I am acting. Or I have carefully thought about what to do and how to do it, because that is the way I work. All too often in a social situation I have to react with a careful laid out plan or something like that instead of some kind of gut feeling about how you should act. And I hate that. It feels autistic. It feels wrong. It feels like lying.

I'm just scared all the time. Of people. For people. And everything feels so pointless. Every day still just feels like a period of time to kill. I'm just waiting for the days to end.

I don't know what I feel about anything anymore. Meeting my family, meeting my friends... Don't get me wrong, they are wonderful people and I love them. But I just feel alone. I feel that they can't relate to me, that they can't understand me. I don't fit. Anywhere. Drunk as hell in a packed club and I just felt... That I didn't get any happier by being there, but I killed of my feelings by over exposing me to things. People. Alcohol. Music. Pretending to have fun, because maybe I'd believe it myself. But nothing makes me happy. No one makes me happy. Everything is so bleak and small and not enough to fill the void and when it goes away it just makes everything hurts even more.

Wherever I am or wherever I go I feel like a barbarian in Rome, if you know what I mean. There are exceptions, but those exceptions are no fun. When I don't feel like a barbarian in Rome I feel like a roman among barbarians. And the romans didn't have a respectful view towards people who weren't citizens of Rome... So I am either at the giving end or the recieving end and I hate both ends.

I wish I wasn't on the verge of crying all the time.

I'm so tired. I feel it in my bones. I feel like I'm a hundred year old new born child.

I don't even know what I'm writing or why I'm writing right now. I guess it's a way of making my thoughts real. I don't know.


And everybody MUST listen to "Turn the Cross Upside Down" by Oz. It's probably one of the best heavy metal songs I have ever heard and the chorus... It is brilliant in all it's metal kitsch.

I miss my kittens.