Press FF KTHANX BAI

There's no joy. Only uncertainty. Everything just feels... Everything feels akward and out of place.

Nothing fits. Everything feels dirty. I took a shower earlier today and put on fresh, clean clothes and everything just feels dirty and smelly. Nothing fits. Everything just feels too wide and too short and loose and just wrong all over.

Sometimes my mind surprise me. You'd think that I would have learned that this is really over, that this is gone. But no. Once in a while when I think about it it still comes as a shock that this is really it. It's over. No going back. This part of my life is over. Gone. And I still get the feeling that I just want to stand up and scream. I don't know why I want to scream. Rage? Fear? Panic? Regret? All of them? Something else?

And I see so little of everything else. I wish I could say "I hate my life and I want to die" but I don't. I feel almost nothing about my life. I don't hate it, I don't love it. I'm indifferent. And I don't want to die, because I am not alive at the moment. It's like the weather right now. Grey and chilly.

Sometimes I wonder if my moods control the weather.

And I don't feel like I can do anything either. Everything I do feels like a betrayal. Of myself, of what I am, of what I was. I feel like a phony. A pose, and nothing beneath it. And it's not even a pose that is meant to be a pose, a pose that is there to point out the meaninglessness of poses or something else like that. It's just a shell. I don't know what's inside me. I don't think I ever did. I don't know if there is something inside me at all. Something lasting, something that is not just a reflection or a reaction to the world around me. Something that is really me.

Got to get back to work.