Ashe

It's been a pretty good day, surprisingly enough. Not really felt that bad at all. Some pangs here and there, sure. But nothing major. The only cloud on the sky was a customer who was both rude and physically threatening and I could just feel the neanderthal-part of me look at me in disgust when I shyed away. I hate that. I hate feeling ashamed of myself. It felt so good to not care about that, but it is going away again. And that is good in one way, because the thing that made me not care about that macho bullshit was just not having the energy because I felt so bad.

But now... I can feel the rage building up. The rage and the humiliation. This feeling that will make me want to isolate myself, because I can't face the world and myself at the same time.

Fuck! Fuckfuckfuck!

I can feel it dragging me like the fucking tide and I don't want to go back there but what else can I do? I don't want to isolare myself, but what else can I do?

What can I do?

Why couldn't I admit this when I had someone to admit it to? Why couldn't I talk about this when I had someone to talk to? Why couldn't I cry about this when I had someone to cry with?

Because it is so incredibly humiliating.

Fuck.

I'm starting to get scared.