The realization of dreams

I don't understand. I don't understand why I can't just see the world? I don't understand why I have to feel like I'm constantly on the outside? I don't understand. I don't understand why I can't go anywhere and not feel like everyone is looking at me and wondering what the fuck I am doing there? I don't understand? Do other people feel like this? How can they stand it? How can they do it to themselves? How can they convince themselves to go anywhere and feel like they have the right to be there? I don't understand. I feel so totally isolated. I don't understand the world. It's not that I want to be everywhere, it's just that I don't always want to feel like a fucking misfit! Like a fucking...

I don't want to feel like a working class tourist. I don't want to feel like a stupid metal head that's just wondered in and just thinks that he understands it. I don't want to...

It is not a new feeling. It has always been there. Always. As long as I can remember. Just going in to a store can be totally excruciating., because I know that they don't want me there. They might want my money, but they don't want me.

I battled it by isolating myself. It didn't help at all. It sucked all the energy I had out of me. I don't have any more energy now than I did then and no more motivation than the realization that I truely have burned all my bridges and filled in all my tunnels. There is no way left but forward. And once again I get the feeling that total failure is around the corner.

Total.

Fucking.

Failure.

I mean, why not? Everything else has fucked up.

I feel like I'm slowly burning from the inside. Like my soul is filled with acid. I feel like I am nothing. Nothing. Nothing of any kind of importance. Nothing at all.