*POW*

"Back and to the left."

Someone just please pull the trigger of something aimed at me. Don't care what it is. Just something. Something needs to happen. Anything. I am glad I am in this apartement, I am glad that I am sober, because if I was out and about right now I would probably kill the first person that looked at me wrong. I just want to scream and kick and bite and rip and tear and claw and kill and punch and crash and knife and strangle and gut and throw and kill. I want to hit something 'til my fists break open and the bones shine through and then I want to continue until the bones break and the flesh falls of and the marrow pours out and then I want to headbutt something until my skull cracks open and my brain pours out. Only 2 times before in my life have I so desperately wanted to throw myself out the window (and both those two times was at the old place back in january) and now I feel it again. I don't feel like doing it because I want to die, I just don't know what to do with myself. I got electricity, rage and sorrow shooting up my spine and it makes my body and soul twitchy.

I just want to let it out, to let it rip out of my flesh and my sould right this fucking minute. But I can't. There is no escape, there is no "letting out." Not anymore. That has been made quite clear.

Can't someone just cut my heart out? Please? And keep it until I need it again? If not, I think I'll mentally stab it to pieces soon. And then it will really be broken.

I wonder if you can OD on Hypericum perforatum? I really really need to calm down.