There's so much I want to be, so much I admire, so much that I wish that I could be, ways I could be in, things I'd like to think is funny that I just don't. And I try to understand and I try to see and I just don't. I can't be that, like that, understand that. I just can't. It's not me. I admire things, I look up to things and it's just not me. Even if I want to. And I just don't want to find something, some shell or mask or armour that I ca put on and (even if I do it perfectly). I want to BE.

There's a problem with belonging to something and that is that you lose respect for it. You see it's cracks and it's flaws. And yet, I want to be home. I want to be. Be me. But I don't know what that is. I don't know who I am or what I am or anything.

Everything is wrong. Everything is dirty and cracked and poorly mended. Everything is just half assed.

I don't understand how I could blow it. It's fucked. I'm fucked.

I just want to disappear. There's no anchorage to the world anymore. I just want to disappear. Stop being. Reincarnation would be nice. Or maybe preincarnation would be better.

Fuck.


"I look myself in the mirror and I don't know what I see. I see myself and shit and NO MATTER WHAT I PUT ON all I can say to myself is: "what the fuck are you doing? This isn't you. Who do you think you are fooling?"


Why is that so important to me? Why? Why do I care? Why can't I just be? Why do I care? Why? Why is it important? Why can't I just stop giving a fuck about that too?

I wish I could stop taking myself so seriously. Just have fun. Not thinking that everything have to fit within a certain "frame." Just do what I want to. Just have the guts. But I don't know how to do that. I don't know.

I know nothing.

Yeah, well... Whatever.

This to shall pass.