Tic Toc, Tic Toc...

I have discovered that it doesn't take much to fuck up an evening for me. Someone being rude, someone laughing and I think they are laughing at me... It spoils it. Just right through.

It's all the same, innit?

I'm thinking about violence again. I haven't done that for a while. I did it almost every night last year. Thinking about violence. Thinking about bashing someones head in. Someone who had bothered me. Someone who had bothered someone I love. I'm doing it again. I don't like to do that. It makes me feel even more powerless when the fantasies are over. Because I know they can never be real.

I do it when I'm angry. And I am angry now. I feel it bubbling up inside me and I try to keep it away. Try to think "it does no good now, no good whatsoever. Every chance of this rage being productive is over since I don't know when. Just let it go. Let it go." And I try. Most days I can. But not tonight. And it has nothing whatsoever to do with the break up or the immediate factors to it (or, as you might put it, the drop that made the cup runeth over). It's older than that. I just want to fucking scream. Beat my forhead against something. Smash my hand through a brick wall.

I wonder... I think it has to be let loose somehow. Or I'll go back to who I used to be (or to be more precise, I'll stay this way). But no one deserves to have this unleashed on them. Not now. That time has passed. That ship has sailed. Those bridges have beem burned. So what do I do?
Fuck it. I've managed to keep it locked up this far.

Islands... Islands of calm and safety in this mad, meaningless world... There are no islands. I feel unwelcome on all the islands. The natives don't like me. I'm a barbarian to them.

Yeah, well... Time to fuck this shit. Spent some time on the CryptoFa-forum, and that is always fun. And that brings something to mind: I want the clock from this site. Yes, I know it is in russian and that they have weird russian money and not normal money, but come on! I really really want it. My birthday is coming up in about 2,5 months. You can learn russian that fast, can't you? ;)

Love and kisses. Time to go to sleep. I shouldn't think so much.